My post today is a fearful one.
My counselor talks to me a lot about being mindful with everything that I do. She wants me not to let my mind wander or I almost always find myself drifting back to the affairs. I lost control last night while washing dishes, it happened so fast. Just like that I had a thought that made me wonder if there had been anything that happened between my husband the the woman that he cheated on me with on my wedding night prior to that evening. I talked a lot about how it seemed out of the blue but there were certain things that felt wrong to me in the past. If there is one thing that I have learned from this whole thing it is that I need to trust my instinct.
When I asked my husband about it last night he refused to answer me without a counselor present. So I got to cry myself to sleep wondering how much earlier the affair started. How much deeper the attraction was. If there was more of a relationship between them than I thought.
Just thinking about it makes me light headed and want to throw up.
This is my life now. Constantly wondering how much to forgive him for. Wondering when I will reach the point that its all just too much. Living in fear of the next thing I’m going to find out.
As someone who works in gyn I’m pleased to say that we don’t see as many woman with unsuspecting STDs than one might think. That being said, we had one today. She was beside herself and since I am in the dialog phase of my grief cycle I had to stop myself from hugging her and telling her that she is beautiful and wonderful and didn’t deserve to feel how she was feeling. She deserves to feel happy.
If you were in a place to speak with a woman who had just found out that her husband was unfaithful. What would you say to her?
So I do this thing sometimes, my counselor calls it spiraling. There is usually some sort of trigger that is usually brought on by my husband. It can be a little thing like suddenly feeling not supported by him that leads to me saying that I wish I had a loyal person in my life. I’ve gotten better at knowing that I should get away from him at those times, his presence doesn’t ever help those situations. I had a “spiral” last night. I ran to the spare bedroom to try and go to sleep but then the intrusive thoughts started. Making it almost impossible to pull myself out of the mental tornado. I though of the night before I left for my honeymoon with him. We were hanging out with friend that were in from out of town. I fell asleep on the couch and he went down stairs to kiss, touch, hold and have sex with someone I considered a friend. I kept replaying over and over, the image of them both walking past me to go downstairs. Who went down first? Who followed who? Did I hear them while on the couch? Did he look at me sleeping there? Did he think about me at all?!
My brand new husband did not make it three days as a faithful spouse.
Not that we was ever faithful before that.
How am I suppose to ever maintain the thought of HOPE? I will never be as happy as I once was. I’m convinced my free will for happiness was taken from me.
Let. Me. Tell. You.
Most days I don’t think I am. I have a pretty neat view of Grand Rapids from my desk. Its too bad I waste it looking out the window thinking about the many ways my husband and friends betrayed me. Most things in my life are in some way or another a trigger. ie: my wedding ring, I remember finally splurging on a babysitter and going out with my husband and friends including Karra. (the woman he slept with for four months and was stupid enough to get everyone caught) I have a vivid memory of us sitting at a table talking about our rings. We took them off and were looking at each others and she put mine on. How does one dare to take the ring of a friend and put it on knowing you are sleeping with her husband. I remember getting a disapproving look from my husband and brushing it off thinking it wasn’t hurting anyone.
We are coming up to the one year anniversary of the day I found out Keith had cheated on me. Karra and her husband Charlie are getting a divorce. Not because Charlie wanted one but because she did. Man! I wish she would have just left him rather than destroy him and me in the process. They are now working on their lives and here I am. I cry every weekend because I have too much time to think about my home life and how much I hate it. I have a really hard time getting out of bed on the weekends, I wish I could just sleep and ignore it all. This usually leads me to hating myself for not being a good mom anymore. I was the good kind of mom, the kind that doesn’t have a TV and would take them for walks in the rain or get ice cream before dinner on occasion. Now it isn’t unusual for them to see me cry, they just rub my back, tuck me in with a hug and try to not worry too much about me.
I’m an angry person now. I have a lot of resentment and am filled with a large amount of hate for many people.
I was never this way before and I hate it now. I was someone that laughed all the time and was light hearted. I trusted everyone, now I trust no one. Not even myself.
I appologize for not being a very good writer. Most of the times my thoughts are flying around and now I’m just taking pieces of them and throwing them on the internet.
Well, welcome to my first blog post. Lets cut to the chase so you can get to the good stuff. Let me start by giving you a little background info on what I am not.
- I am not a writer.
- I am not happy.
- I am not perfect.
- I am not someone with any sort of expertise that should be giving advice.
- I am not patient. (This was added as I feel the hairs on my neck raise listening to my girls argue and tease each other)
- I am not proud of who I am or where my life is right now
- I am not someone who gives up on things I care about.
Moving on to things that I am.
- I am a mother to two beautiful little girls that I love more than anything.
- I am a full time medical assistant at an ob/gyn office.
- I am broken.
- I am married to someone who has a sex and porn addiction.
- I am a betrayed spouse that knew nothing of the promiscuous life my husband was keeping from me while I was distracted raising our children, working, and taking care of his house.
- I am bitter.
My intentions of this blog is to talk myself through some of the things that are discussed with my counselor. I love the idea of potentially talking with others that might be going through something similar.